Have a Whiff

lonely que

2009-12-21T16:19:00.001-08:00

im surrounded
grabbed shaked pulled
shouted and full
but lonely
so quiet inside my mind
i wish for
something good

The Unemployment Diet

2009-12-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

can i borrow a belt?
mah pants are fallin off
yep lost 5 lbs.
and maybe a few ounces of hair

Husband Support

2009-11-28T10:26:00.001-08:00

A pendant (from Old French) is a hanging object, generally attached to. . .
coda- the end.
works in a pinch!
but it trips on my tongue,
stubs its toe on my tonsils
and claws its way down
down
down
to my gullet
for which i have built a box
to hold my secrets, such as, but not limited to:

1) the branch from which the object hangs
2) i lead a double life (in conjunction with and bi-laterally dissecting my notsosecretlife)
3) these scenes from a movie for which i have no name:
a man awakens and gets ready for his day. shower. shave. breakfast.
he walks from his building to an apartment across the street, gets undressed and gets into bed with his ex-wife. the alarm goes off right away. he gets up and again gets ready for his day.
shower. shave. breakfast.
it is a long term charade he plays to protect his daughter from the divorce. he has no idea that his daughter watches him walk across the street every morning as he heads to her building...

and aside from that, apparently, myself being so awesome and what-not has thoroughly
emasculated him
and therefore I must pay
pay
pay
in nothing less than bratwurst, booty, and/or tokens for the Laundromat

i want to say

2009-11-24T12:20:00.000-08:00

i spend all my money on staying low
i complain about being broke
but i lie
addictions own my paycheck

Lakewood Diet

2009-11-09T14:59:00.000-08:00

try to plan around meal times on
afternoon-shift-day, desk-day
consistently Monday.
goes somethin' like: coffee,
meal replacement drink (not beer),
meal replacement drink (beer).

its helping me
be super customer friendly
consistently Monday

take that Victor guy
last week,
flashing four rows of teeth,
lurking the night lot, and
successfully
creeped me the fuck out. with a smile!

this week
changing tactics but i know
his leering voice and
the Mexican surname game
(im smart like that)
So Atilla will be his therapist today,
the screwdrivers in my lap, and
not so much with the smiling.

I swear sometimes I dont have
the adrenaline supply necessary for
consistently Monday

who drank my mini coke?

because

2009-11-07T12:38:00.000-08:00

i paid his rent.

and then im like an idiot, and my collar is wet
and i think i might barf and im
stagnatory - for days now. and there are
little plastic baby proofers in my outlet

that publisher cleared my house
fed my mouse
and i say ergo ego! me-no need-o!
i want to come back again
and maybe say "POET!"
o
tho
i do prefer to shout

because

2009-11-07T12:18:00.000-08:00

i forgot how to use my words

So - Were Even.

2008-05-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Control Group forgotten
the experiment is void,
null,
extracted, distracted and what nots
and who knots and chop chops

(nobody says chops anymore - like
i might like to kick someone in them;
stupid cartoons today dont teach shit
like the way bugs and daff did). period

tomorrow I go to court
yes again. and perhaps it is
preferable that you do not know
the intricacies involved in
total, law-gistical restraint mechanisms

the matching of socks and speaking
clearly. uh-huh and nodding your head
is hard to transcribe so none of that either.
and dont forget,to bring a father
the step kind who knows how to behave with
first hand knowledge and such

but. oh, yeah! you wont accept that step as yours
(despite his awesomeness)
the guy who fathered haunts your dreams and
you should really learn to let go and stop initiating
this generational letdown. these. putrid ideas
that melted your brain; oh yeah

and go away.

beer then liquor, you need a slicker

2008-05-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

curse-ed! curses!
a tiny bit too much

cures, said vodka
but vodka lies
only foggy eyeballs
to wake to

to shake to

im done with that
forgetting
its the thoughts that count
to go where i need to be
to knees, to knees

i dont like who i am yesterday
who i am today will only be told
maybe tomorrow and maybe
if i can make it that far

my ever faithful - BLAH

2008-05-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

those drinks might calm my eyes
for tonight but the roof will fall
ever earlier tomorrow
when they might be watching
and i mush and must and stink
to high
hi!
heaven...

2008-05-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

pangs in empty condo-it's
unlike what i said - feeling naught
apathy-etic poetic-ally pathetic
and if it rains tomorrow I'll join

this house
very and complete
even without her or him or me
they claim to be alright
but at night i can banish myself

in a manner of books and hooks
and tears that wont fall for that

son without a father

recorde

2008-05-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

It must be a race
to see who can be
divorced more, more
than me

and i won

ha

But Really, I'm Glad

2008-05-07T11:59:00.001-07:00

Esoteric meanderings
Unknowable, that face
Unfamiliar schematics
The dramatics
Boombaltics

Fairly – unfair
Yet thrive they
Gained the weight
Ounces lost to folly once
upon

The inevitable coarseness
Of it all

2008-05-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

baby take those tears
to bed

where forgotten namesakes

takes

two and a half weeks

and i figure

eights
are worth eternity

by the wayside
of his crib

And One Fer Momma

2008-05-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Don’t forget to pack
a restraining order for the diaper bag.
Then again those courthouse benches
are most certainly meant
to maim an ass in 8 hours or less. A typical release
(for me) to suffer pain in boney haunches
in view of phony tauntresses
to blame

And her words were there
when I got back
to hurt the other side
the INside which I tried
to forget
exists
Oh Mother - can’t she see
the pain she re-invents for me
but living with my ‘rents
undoubtedly presents the
right to damage fairly new
content or
Confidence, one might say.

special delivery: White Padded Helmet

2008-04-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

all the ways you jinxed us

2008-04-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

i miss that life of old the one
between your episodes
but then again i bloom in verily said
freedoms and missing you is more
a habit than truth (and surely is due
to spider's webs between my thighs)
despite the love I had
for Mr. Hyde

that

April’s Fool
that he were born the day of fools
but fool now I
for second chances rode backs of chances
given thrice - ridiculously painted me
back to square one
where parents take children with children and cats
get left behind.
and im not sure if it's illness or
you are just. that. bad.
but perhaps, the perfect combination of both.
Where my ring was is dented. I wore mine even in night
even in pizza dough and even in showered darkness
you took yours off to sleep. from the finger
that almost went missing
and you jinxed us
i missed you and i look for ways
to leave you behind without losing my
own fragile mind
because to love you is to leave you
that time and that
was the last.

Pew Perti

2008-04-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

1)
when she wore sleeves and pant cuffs
up to her neck
- she delighted “where babies don’t cry,” she gurgled
incessantly. until my patience
wore shoes to the parlor for made supper and folded laundry
amongst theoretical tragedies and melted
quite
_m
e l t
e d_ forms of
the woman-child deposited themselves
with crossed-armed fashion into apron strings
tied and up and ready to hug away that
they told me this day was here, was
near and pooh poohed them all
did I did I oh, what did I say?
Mother? that time where, then-there quite liquefied myself
into a matching banshee; but the skinnier version of mine
2)
Mine. Mine like a subject matter to own. The kind where her very existence did depend upon myself and my habits like a square might need its corners to be. not to mention torn pereniums and whatnot.
And I thought at her age that I might like to join the rodeo. and so I did. to the tune of a queen i bent and formed my heels to L's. and I dont tell it this way, but the only reason I won was that nobody ran against me.

Stuck on You

2008-04-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

How awesome is super glue? I would have to say pretty awesome UNLESS you get a call from the principal of your 5th grader's school saying she smuggled it and super glued a boy's hands to his face. Yep, pretty awesome except for that.
The hardest part? Trying not to laugh.
The punishment? Googling super glue accidents and listening to a lecture from Grandpa who was superbly pissed since he bought it for her.

So yes, I live with my parents now. I have lived there for two weeks which feels like forever if you are 31. Which, I am. And my second divorce is looming, looming. I'm not sad, just disappointed and sometimes a little scared. I could have stayed alone but I need my kids to have parents and I dont seem to be doing such a great job so far.